Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me irl
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂