I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
This rocks
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?