Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter