I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller