*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer