“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Well, this is awkward
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.