People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
You Might Also Like
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.