A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?