In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
This was a bad idea all around
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.