Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?