Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Strangers have the best candy.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.