Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.