Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.