my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I created you as mosquito food.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.