Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The news
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off