“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.