Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
You wish you had this many chins.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.