every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.