I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
not to brag, but mine was free
Batman v Dracula
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I cannot call her anything else now
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.