[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Based Erika
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal