There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
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I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
why I oughta
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.