I was up all night reading about insomnia
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This is my brand.
this isn’t threatening at all