You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
called in thicc to work this morning
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Husband of the year 😂
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?