*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
You Might Also Like
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.