Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
This is my pinned tweet
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?