[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes