Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill