I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control