To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.