therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If looks could kill
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.