Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
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Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?