*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”