ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
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True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed