So, can we agree on 4 or
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.