I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’m aging like a fine banana
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator