Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.