I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I want this so bad
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.