KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
🤣could you imagine
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
our love story in four pictures
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.