If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
the short answer to this question
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.