Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
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“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
what’s really going on
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u