Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.