Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country