everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
No way!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.