My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Great acting.. 😂
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*