[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.