Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.