Always leave the cult better than you found it.
You Might Also Like
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
y鈥檃ll make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can鈥檛 have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i鈥檓 so embarrassed. i can鈥檛 be seen getting into this car. i鈥檓 running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
WIFE: can鈥檛 wait until we鈥檙e old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won鈥檛 remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Twister but it鈥檚 just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: I鈥檓 late, I鈥檓 late for a very important date!
Date: 馃檪
Fig: 馃檨
Prune: bro, lol
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[naming god鈥檚 creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can鈥檛 wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you鈥檙e my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”