Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Wait, let me explain..”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Are you a cat person or a person person?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*