[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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Thrilling chase underway
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Shortcut
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest