Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
this is the greatest thing ever
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
🛁
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.